IS IT BEARS? – How I Sleep

Dear Future Leslee,

If you know me, you know that I am a slightly neurotic obsessive-compulsive hippie grandma robot, and it’s weird. One of the ways that this weirdness manifests itself is in my sleeping requirements, because while I can sleep pretty much anywhere and anyhow, I have very specific needs when it comes to really enjoying my sleep.

First, there is the outfit. I HATE sleeping barefoot, and have a very hard time sleeping without socks. Feeling my feet touch things is weird, okay? Doesn’t it bother you when you’re just hanging out, trying to nod off, and then one of your feet touches the other?? No? My point exactly.

Next, I need to sleep in long sleeves and full-length pants, because I am always cold, even in the summer. If I have short pants, then my legs touch each other, and that’s just weird, and if I have short sleeves then my arms get cold unless they are always under the covers. I often sleep in sweaters, because I simply stop producing body heat unless I am concentrating very, very hard.

The hardest part of sleeping, however, is sleeping with other people. Other people like to snuggle in their sleep, or fall asleep spooning, or some other bullshit. I hate it when people touch me in my sleep, because I am such an incredibly light sleeper and so innately high-strung that I assume that if you are touching me it is to wake me up because bears are attacking. Or something.


Why else would you touch me in my sleep if not to warn me of imminent danger? If the house is not on fire, then stay on your own damn side of the bed. I’m not opposed to a post-bone cuddle, but once we need to get on with the business of sleep, you need to stay a foot away from me at all times.

I probably wouldn’t be so bad, but my last Mancandy was notorious for hitting me in the face in his sleep, or launching himself into a sitting position by slamming his hands down into the bed…and my chest. Like Riker, he led with his beard, so more than once when he turned over I got head-butted in the face. By the end of our relationship the slightest transgression onto my side of the bed provoked an immediate flight-or-fight response, and also a defensive scooching-over as far as possible.

All this to say that not only do I feel justified in being incredibly stressed while sleeping but also that I have come up with some helpful diagrams to illustrate just what I’m looking for in a good sleep.

The following diagram shows an unacceptable sleeping equation:

I am not good enough at paint to accurately express how angry this makes me.

Unfortunately, some dudes feel the need to express affection by being close to me. TERRIBLE IDEA. Every time you touch me, I wake up with the same degree of instant readiness that I would during a zombie apocalypse. If you’re sleeping like this, I can pretty much guarantee you that I am angry ALL. THE. TIME.

The next is an acceptable sleeping arrangement:

Blue side: mine, green side: yours, red line: blanket decompression zone (to prevent drafts)

The above is comfortable for me, and usually involves the least waking-up-in-a-panic. However, in an ideal world…

blue: my side, red: de-militarized zone, white: I don't know, you can sleep on the floor or something

See how happy I look? That, my friends, is the way to sleep.

Anyway, this is probably why I’m going to be alone forever.

Have a lovely day, my darlings, and sleep however you want and in whatever way makes you happy.


Past Leslee


About leslei

Listen, I like to use the eff word. If that is going to be a problem you should probably just turn this car around RIGHT NOW.
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One Response to IS IT BEARS? – How I Sleep

  1. Well, alone forever? I don’t think so…you, my friend, need your eyes opened to the wonder of twin beds.
    A king size bed is actually two twin boxes with a king matress over top of it. Easily put together for boning (or regulate activity to one bed? entertaining!) and taken apart for appropriate sleeping.

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