Dear Future Leslee,
Sorry I’ve been gone so long. It’s not that nothing interesting is happening, it’s that HOLY CRAP EVERYTHING INTERESTING IS HAPPENING RIGHT THE FUCK NOW OMG and all those run-on sentences make it difficult to find the time to sit down and hack out a blog for you. So anyway, here I am, back and in business and ready to entertain and delight or at least have a rum and coke and it’s not drinking alone if I’m hanging out with the internet. Plus I’ve decided to try adding images to my blogs to see if I can destroy the Web with my blinding incompetence.
Last weekend some friends and I went to the water park, and I figure that’s as good a thing as any to ramble about. Calypso is out in Limoges, and it is awesome despite the fact that it is located approximately in the asshole of Ontario, or at least the asshole of local, easily-drive-to-able-from-Ottawa Ontario. The park itself is gorgeous and we all had a good time. However…
We’ve already discussed how I’m a wuss, and you know where that doesn’t improve? Flying down a plastic tube mostly naked with water rushing up my nose. The waterslides were awesome, but I’m a giant coward, so I went on all the not-too-scary ones once and then I was pretty good. There were some awesome-looking slides still being built, which was a shame, but I guess that’s just an excuse to go back again later this year.
2. Everything Else
Conveniently for those of us who would rather play on the pirate-themed children’s area (age restrictions are really just a suggestion) Calypso had lots of other fun things to see and do and frolic in. The wave pool was a big hit, especially when I suffered a “wardrobe malfunction” and slipped not just a nip but an entire boob out of the oh-so-inefficient confines of my bikini. Luckily, the only other person to notice was the Woman of How to Become Canadian fame, which will hopefully spawn a new post entitled “Don’t Be Alarmed by Weird-Looking Boobs”.
Let me give you the Leslee Boob Slip play-by-play: big wave washes by, Leslee fearlessly dives into, Leslee surfaces, Leslee notices bared tit, the Woman notices bared tit, Leslee screams, the Woman screams, Leslee hastily corrects bikini malfunction. Leslee issues a public apology to any franco-Ontarien child scarred by her semi-nudity.
3. The Total Unfairness Of My Face
I am one of those people who burns very easily. Ironically, I am also one of those people who stops all the fun to put on sunscreen every couple of hours. I literally got up extra early to apply a double-layer of sunscreen (cream and spray, bitches) in the vain hope that I would not burn, or at least not burn too badly.
But I did burn. All over my heartbroken self. My face and shoulders especially, making me 1. look ridiculous and 2. hate myself every time I put on a bra. Even more than I hate myself though, I hate the sun, because that terrible cruel bastard laughs in the face of my measly SPF.
In the end, I was most offended because despite putting on more sunscreen more often than anyone else I burnt more and more severely than the entire rest of the group. All I want is to not get skin cancer. Is that so bad?
In conclusion: water parks are awesome and now my face is peeling off. Glamorous.
Before I leave you, I just wanted to mention two awesome signs I saw recently. I was riding my bus home on a street with a lot of construction, and a local security business had replaced their usual “Chose us – feel safe!” signage with “If you think this is bad, you should see Bank street.” Secondly, there is a Dairy Queen in Bells Corners with a sign that simply reads “Scream until Daddy stops the car” and it makes me so, so happy.
Well guys, I’m back (with pictures!) and yes I’m still having adventures and yes I’ll still write about them when I’m not too busy getting melanoma or getting my rocks off finding wacky signs.
All my love,