Still Not Dead, Probably

Dear Future Me,

Sorry I’ve been AWOL lately. I’ve never been good at blogging regularly and frankly as soon as anything interesting in my life starts to happen I pretty much lose my shit and nearly forget that I even have a blog. I haven’t been on Twitter in a week – I probably have a dozen more followers by now. Twitter, like so many things in my life, seems to like it when I shut the hell up. SHOCKER.

Speaking of Twitter, I have to give it credit because it still seems to give a shit about politics and the election results even several weeks later. Shit went down and I thoroughly expected to never hear about it after May 3rd but here we are, nearly a month in, and people still care enough to reTweet ShitHarperDid and so on. It’s getting demo-crazy all up in this social media webspace!

I’m sorry…that was really bad. Is there even any such thing as a webspace? Did I just invent that? I’m sorry. Really. It’s been a long…month. Yeah, what happened to May, by the way? Am I the only one who missed it?

I have a throat infection (again) and I’ve gone the full-spectrum of voiceless-ness from totally mute to enraged chipmunk to sexy anti-smoking campaign. I keep flirting with the nurses at work because every time I say anything it seems like I’m propositioning them. Roll with the punches, I guess. Although I sound bitchy all the time and my normally sarcastic, charming wit just comes off as fucking mean, which is a shame, because all I want is attention and love.

Sad but true. 

In other news, I continue to go on dates and not get axe murdered. Refreshing! Although I did get pretty badly sunburned all over my face which is almost worse. I’m trying really hard not to get goopy and cute but he keeps bringing me flowers and feeding me bottles of wine and it’s really hard not to get sloppy when somebody invites you on a motherfucking picnic.

I know, I know, I hate me too.

 Oh, and despite the beautiful weather and the random adventures I remain a lizard. I am endothermic, which dude-who-has-not-axe-murdered-me-yet really appreciated, because even while getting sunburnt my hands were still several degrees colder than the air. My body is a freakishly cool breeze in a house with all the windows closed. Like snuggling with an ice pack or a several-hours-old corpse. I actually take warmth out of the atmosphere, reversing entropy and slowing the heat-death of the Universe.

You’re welcome.

Also, the elevators have been slow and/or nonfunctional at work over the past few days so I’ve been walking up eight flights of stairs and least once a day. I haven’t being going to the gym much, because frankly I have been busy, but at least there are severe inconveniences to my life to force me to get exercise. Charming.

I’ll be in Toronto over the weekend, which is almost like a good excuse for not blogging, although lord knows I’ve never bothered much with excuses. I’m bad at this, y’all. And that’s as far as it goes. I will, however, be sure to report all the crazy shenanigans I get into in Toronto, although you have to promise not to judge me if all I do is lounge around in PJs and play drunken scrabble. PROMISE!

Welp, must be off to prepare for my trip and get a hair cut and put on pants. Life is hard. And I know you think I have silly, first-world problems (because I do) but there was giant wasp in the shower today and I screamed and almost ran out of the bathroom naked so I’m feeling really emotionally fragile right now, and I’d appreciate some goddamn support.

All my love and adrenaline,

Past Leslee.


About leslei

Listen, I like to use the eff word. If that is going to be a problem you should probably just turn this car around RIGHT NOW.
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One Response to Still Not Dead, Probably

  1. 12 new twitter followers? Is that estimation based on spam bots or real people?

    Oh, how I miss the days when I was cooler than you…

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