Dear Future Me,
I know I should really be writing about the Canadian election and the results there-of or even my crazy-ass birthday weekend EXTRAVAGANZA but instead I am going to talk about video games. Now, I’ve broached this subject before on other platforms (check out http://bentthepodcast.com/uncategorized/world-of-warcock-sex-in-video-games-2/ for a rather raunchy review) but I’ve never really taken the time to sit down and talk about my personal, private relationship with video games.
This is because I am deeply ashamed.
The deep, dark secret that I have held in my breast for so long is this: I am pretty much terrible at pretty much all video games. Ever. While there are a few sad, notable exceptions such as Diablo 2 and Pokemon, for the most part I am a n00b. There, I’ve said it. First, you admit you have a problem…
RPGs – I think I can, I think I can…
I love RPGs because I love storytelling, and a good RPG will absolutely draw you into the world with beautiful graphics, actual plot and character development that doesn’t make you want to burn your Xbox in utter, unconquerable sadness. Who doesn’t want to go on an Epic Adventure? Who doesn’t want to rescue the princess, kill the bad guy and loot innumerable corpses along the way? Boring people, obviously.
Sadly, loving something and actually having the time or patience to do it are two entirely different things. My love for RPGs is only slightly overshadowed by my love for not paying attention to something for thirty or forty hours, so I often find myself getting really really excited for a game, playing in for eight or ten hours over the span of two weeks and then never touching it again. I’m either madly obsessed with something or just not into it, and sadly my shelf-life for RPG-crazy is about a fortnight.
Basically, I am not bad at playing RPGs, I am just terrible at finishing them. Hence why I have never even flirted with any of the Final Fantasy games. They just require too much commitment, and I’m really not ready to settle down with something for 100+ hours. I’m sorry, but that’s not where I am in my life right now, but I’m sure there are thousands of slathering nerd-boys who will happily waste their youth slavishly devoted to Tifa. And that’s a beautiful thing. I think.
Puzzle Games – because I need more things in my life making me feel inferior.
Theoretically, I am ALL ABOUT puzzle games. In theory, solving clues and using my brainmeats as more than just pretty face filler seriously appeals to me. Problem solving, bitches! Heck yeah!
In practice I am stupid. Or at least, when I want to relax and unwind after a long day awesome, I really don’t want to end up crying over my laptop. The same goes for real-time strategy games like Starcraft: it looks like a lot of fun in the same way that climbing a mountain looks like a lot of fun, but who has the energy for that much fun? Also, I have the in-game reflexes of a blind epileptic guinea pig. Fact.
First Person Shooters – So tragic it isn’t even funny
Okay, my first problem with this style of game (I’m looking at Halo, Gears of War, and Call of Duty in particular) is that I don’t find in-your-face killing all that much fun. Violence is great and all, but not if it’s happening at me. And if I’m playing one of the above games, the violence is happening at me all. the. damn. time.
You know what I am incapable of? Directing my eyes one way while directing my body another, at least in a video game. The number of times that is has been explained to me that in real life I can move one way and look another has never helped me. Invariably, I end up stuck in a corner, staring straight up and spinning in circles. Nobody bothers to snipe me. Generally, the rest of the players merely gather in a loose group and watch me until I figure out how to look forward. When our eyes meet across the split-screen, one of them raises a pistol and puts me out of my misery.
Then I get up and make a sammich.
So the moral of the story is: if you want to feel good about yourself, play video games against me. I will lose so hard it will retroactively justify every awful thing you’ve ever done in your entire life.
Yours most sincerely,