Posty post post

Dear Future Leslee,

I know I like to pretend that I am a cool and interesting human specimen, but I also like to pretend that I’m always riding a T-rex and that doesn’t make it true. Basically what this comes down to is: I’m kind of boring, a lot of the time, and this post is really no different.

Random Thing 1 – Easter

It is Easter. I have four days off. I already spent one of them destroying my liver and self-worth with wine and happy-times sing-along, and I suspect it will only get worse from here. I suspect that because that is the kind of thing that happens over the holidays, for me: they start out embarrassing and sloppy and end with regret, heartbreak and sadness. Much like every relationship I have ever had. I guess that isn’t really funny, but you should probably laugh anyway. Laugh to hide the tears…

Random Thing 2 – Swing

I have a love/disinterest relationship with swing. I am too good to be a beginner but way too sucky to be anything near expert. I’m flopping around in that no-man’s land of intermediate like a bullfrog with dysentery, and it sucks, because I can feel the moment where I am dancing with someone, and they’re doing harder and harder moves, really getting into it, and suddenly: bam. There is the limit to my knowledge. I don’t know that move and I can’t fake it. I can’t even pretend. My ignorance has ruined everything forever. Again.

At this point I would really need to actually like, take lessons to improve and I’m lazy and cheap and don’t really want to commit any more of my life to it. I also worry that if I got good enough and became dedicated to it I would become one of the clique-y people at swing that all us humble peons think are stuck-up assholes, because half of them are stuck-up assholes. I need more people thinking I’m a stuck-up asshole like I need a hole in my head, even if I AM a stuck-up asshole. I would say especially if that is the case.

Random Thing 3 – Jobs. I want them.

I’ve been applying for full-time jobs like a responsible young adult and it is nothing if not hilarious. Who am I trying to kid? I don’t really want to be a secretary but it’s pretty much the best-paying job that I am qualified for and also I do kind of get a weirdly sexual thrill out of composing the perfect fax cover letter. Also, I really need to work full-time in order to save up for school, which brings me to…

Random Thing 4 – Schoooooooool.

I need to go back to school. I need to do this thing in order to get into counselling, which is the thing that I want to do with my life, because I get off on helping people. School is damn expensive though, and I hate being poor, so basically I would want to go back part-time. For years. Quite literally, there is a good chance that I will/would be in school for the next ten years. That’s terrifying. That’s ridiculous. That’s probably what will end up happening, because I want more from my life than fax-induced orgasms. Way, way more.

Random Thing 5 – Actually, More Easter

As part of my payment (okay, all of my payment) for the ride home I got today I did a tour of my old haunt, namely my sex shop, the ‘Naughty. If you’ve never gotten an insider’s tour of a sex shop, you’ve never really lived. I was all like “this one might give you cancer” and “I once had to lube a customer out of that change room” and “this one was made by ASTRONAUTS” and “penis pumps are just like giving your dick a giant hickey” and so on and so forth. I also told them about the time I was working with my friend and decided to play hide-and-go seek…without telling him. Seek this, motherfucker. Needless to say, I won that game.

That’s pretty much all I got, dudes. Sorry. I promise I’ll be funnier in my next post, which will be primarily about videogames and why I suck at them.  

Happy Zombie Jesus Day,

Past Leslee.


About leslei

Listen, I like to use the eff word. If that is going to be a problem you should probably just turn this car around RIGHT NOW.
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