I can has blog

Dear Future Leslee:

Listen guys, I have been a sick disgusting mess of a human being (unlike normally, when I am a healthy disgusting mess of a human being) and I have been thinking randomly about things and I guess all this word vomit is just to say that I have a little bit of energy and I am going to use it talking about really nothing that will ever be important ever.

Firstly, I have issues. Hair issues. On my head. I really want someone to watch me blow drying my bangs because I look like a crazy person. Why do I raise my eyebrows? Am I trying to get my forehead closer to my hair? Why do I think that will help anything?!? Obviously, less face = faster hair-drying time. That or looking very surprised. I can’t believe how fucking fast my bangs are drying! And I kind of disapprove of it!

Also I walked by my Sopie’s clothes-drying rack in the hall the other day and all of her bras were all over it, and I felt kind of left out and sad, you know? I was all like “there is a bra party going on and I wasn’t invited. Maybe it’s an exclusive, Sopie-bra-only party? You know what, fuck her and her bourgeois bra-party. I am totally going to wash some bras and put them on the rack too, and she can suck it. That’ll teach her not to invite my underthings to her hallway parties….oh, wait, that’s actually crazy and I don’t give a damn. Whoops.”

Yes, I spent several minutes plotting a social coup of my Sopie’s laundry. I need a fucking hobby.

In other news I am trying to get a full-time job because money, yo. Also because I’m slowly becoming a Responsible Young Adult and I feel the need to have a goddamn savings account and I want to go back to school and maybe get a car and some fucking health insurance and all that other bad-assery because when I am not arguing with laundry I am freaking boring. And I think money will solve that. Hey, it’s solved pretty much every other problem I’ve ever had, which is probably why I’m not a very good person.

Speaking of me, I was on the bus the other day and I saw that kid who is ALWAYS DANCING and he was dancing awkwardly on the bus and then danced off the bus and then danced his way through the pouring rain into Merivale Mall (where dreams go to die) and he seemed really, really happy and not actually crazy and I kind of hated him a little bit. Sure, I’m happy he’s happy and it takes a real sense of self-confidence to dance allllll over the damn place when you know everybody is looking, but also I hate him. Because you know what? Eventually we all have to stop dancing. And I don’t like it when people are happy for no reason. Especially in public transport.

In other dance-related news, my Sopie and I have realized that there is a weird confluence of cute boys who go to swing who also go to church (with a special emphasis on the Catholic church). You know what is disappointing? Cute catholic boys. HEARTBREAKING. I am such a drunken atheist slut that I really doubt I could even do boys-who-go-to-church, let alone boys-who-go-to-CATHOLIC-church, but least with regular church there is some vague freaking chance in hell.

Men, I tells ya. I’ve been making a hilarious and mostly invented list of all the qualities my perfect man would have and besides the obvious things like “uses apostrophes moslty correctly” and “has webbed toes” I have also included such important relationship-building qualities as “likes banjos, but NOT in an ironic way” and “doesn’t mind the fact that I wear my dead grandmas’ jewelery”. I want something with long-term potential, here.

Some day, my prince will come…and he will definitely be wearing a belt. NON NEGOTIABLE. It’s important to know what you will and will not compromise on in a relationship.

In parting, you should probably go check out http://howtobecomecanadian.wordpress.com/  because let’s be honest, we could all use a reminder now and again. Also, because you can read the entire thing in an Aussie accent and it’s wonderful. WONDERFUL. Plus, somebody’s gotta support this girls’ shoe habit, and I don’t know how reading her blog will make her money but I’m pretty sure there’s a way. Pretty sure.

Anyhoo, that’s really all I’ve got for now. ALSO: VOTE MAY 2ND OR I’LL DROWN A KITTEN, BUT FIRST I’LL NAME IT AFTER YOU AND WRITE A MODERATELY SUCCESSFUL WEBCOMIC ABOUT IT.

Love and CAPS,

Past Leslee

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About leslei

Listen, I like to use the eff word. If that is going to be a problem you should probably just turn this car around RIGHT NOW.
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