Dear Future Leslee,

This was going to be a tweet and then it was going to be a facebook status update but my life is so unreal that neither of those mediums seems quite expansive enough to hold all the random. I just want to talk about my life a bunch because as much as it’s crazy as all fuck I’m not even going to remember this in a week. So, let’s begin.

First, I worked a 12 hour shift last Wednesday the 30th and it was awful, because it started off with an MRI so actually I was in the hospital for no less than thirteen and a half hours. Plus, MRIs are scary. I made the very real mistake of telling the Woman about it and she felt the need to regale me with a tale about a welder who’d gone in for an MRI and had tiny pieces of metal in his eyes from welding for years and the incredible force of the magnet ripped his eyes open and made him blind. Do you know how hard it is to lay perfectly still for fifteen minutes while thinking about your eyes getting sucked out of your head? IT’S REALLY REALLY HARD.

Anyway, so when I left the hospital I decided to go to the gym because getting a gym pass almost killed me. This was a mistake. A glorious, sweaty mistake. And then I went to my aunts’ house with her three-legged dog and the other one with all the dandruff and I fell into a deep sleep. Eleven hours later I crawled out of bed, and that is the last full night of sleep I’ve had since.

Thursday we went out to celebrate my Sopie’s new job and I was still really tired and we tried to go to Bar56 but it doesn’t really exist? Kinda? Anyway, I was so confused. We sat down. Later, we got food. We got home at 2:30. I was in bed by 3. This would have been fine, but Friday was April Fools day and god hates me.

There was a dog kerfuffle at seven a.m. When they finally stopped running laps around the house, they got locked in their cage, where they proceeded to cry for the next two hours. So much for sleep. So I went downstairs to let them out and discovered that where there had once been two dogs, now there were three. Reproducing like fucking fungus. I don’t even know.

When I came back upstairs I noticed I missed a call from my doctor and I was like “This is the cruelest April Fools ever” and then I hung out with the ex-Mancandy and saw Sucker Punch and it was terrible in a fantastic way and then I tried once again to get to sleep but didn’t and then got up and went to work.

I got to work on Sunday after waiting a half hour for my connecting bus because Sundays are stupid, and then I made a joke about how dead it was at work and I swear to god ten minutes later the nurses came to tell me that somebody had died. What. the. fuck. Somehow, I got through the day. And then I also got home, somehow, and the Bekster came and got me and we had dinner and INTENSE GIRL CHATS and watched Enchanted and I didn’t cry but then we watched Beaches and Bette Midler fucking gets me every fucking time. I was not quite sobbing because hey, I have some pride, but I was definitely crying my eyes out.

Then it was midnight and we went to bed and then I got up at six again and drove through crazy traffic to the hospital where I wasn’t even working today and then bussed home. In the rain. Cruel, cruel fate. I was asleep in bed by nine and I woke up half an hour ago and now I’m going to go to the gym because I am a machine, people. And then I’m going to come back home and go back to the bed for the rest of the day and hope to god all that sleep resets me to normal.

Welp, sorry this wasn’t particularly funny, at least not in the “ha-ha funny” way. This is more like a “sad funny” kind of funny. My life is tragi-comic. Like a really good twitter in-joke. Or the first time you try anal.

All my love and ramblings,


Past Leslee.


About leslei

Listen, I like to use the eff word. If that is going to be a problem you should probably just turn this car around RIGHT NOW.
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