Dear Future Me,
They say the man who is ignorant of history is doomed to repeat it, but what about the woman who is ignorant of her present? Truth is, I have only the vaguest clue what is going on in the world at any given time, even though I think that The State of Things in North America is quite heartbreaking. Look at all people and their crazy misconceptions! LOOK AT THEM AND WEEP!
Really, you should be looking at ME and weeping. (Really, you should be looking at me anyway. As an only child, I can tell you with absolute certainty that you should be looking at me pretty much all the time anyway, since I am the most important person in the room. Obviously.) I don’t really have much idea what is going on in the world, and what I do know is pieced together mostly from blargs my friends write and comedians making fun of the situation.
Egypt – Shit’s Happening, I Think.
Listen, I guess Egypt was not a great place to live. I think the government was corrupt, and I might have read something about the former “president for life” and poor economic conditions and maybe poverty and junk. Anyway, there were some riots? Big ones? And maybe for a while egypt got cut off from the internet, or at least I remember hearing that somewhere. Eventually the bad guy was removed, I think, and currently Egypt has a government kind of run by the military, but like, democratic? Maybe? It’s heavy shit, people. Hard to follow.
Charlie Sheen is a Crazy Motherfucker
In almost equally big news, Charlie Sheen has apparently lost his mind and has been uttering random crazy phrases that leave people concerned and entertained. To be honest, I am only kind of aware of who Charlie Sheen is and I think he was on T.V. and stuff, so him saying batshit things is not that big a deal to me. Although, to be fair, I am only moderately more aware that Egypt exists, so either way I’m a bad person.
Lybia – It’s a Country, With Problems?
Pretty much all I know about Lybia comes from things my friends post of facebook, so for example I know that Muammar, the leader, says crazy shit much like Charlie Sheen and there is even a quiz you can take to see if you can guess who blathered what nonsense. Muammar thinks the U.N. doesn’t like him? Maybe? And now there is talk of making Lybia air-space a “no-fly” zone? I don’t eve know, people. I don’t even know.
I’m not saying that I’m proud of not really having a clue. Ignorance is kind of pathetic, and I know that it makes me shallow and vapid that people are all like “Man! Did you hear about that socially relevant and historically important event that JUST HAPPENED and that is all over pretty much all the media, ever?” and I have to cock my head to the side like a confused pug. I don’t watch T.V., I don’t listen to the radio and I don’t read newspapers. Unless it’s posted on facebook or the side of a bus, I am unlikely to hear about it. Ever.
I ignore news mostly because it depresses me, which is not a good excuse at all, I know. If sad stuff makes you sad you’re supposed to do something about it, not try to forget about it until it goes away. The last time I went to a protest was when they prorogued Parliament up here, and to be honest I am only barely aware of what proroging is or does. It doesn’t fit well on a placard and it’s hard to rhyme for a slogan and the speeches were only so-so and it was cold. Kind of disappointing. I think the whole issue with proroging Parliament has to do with avoiding responsibility. Oh, the irony.
Tune in next week when I talk about how I do the pug head-tilt every time anybody mentions any movie, ever. Although I’ve finally seen all three Back to the Future movies and I feel like my life finally has a purpose, and that purpose is to bone Marty Mcfly. Repeatedly.
Go read a goddamn newspaper,