I love you, now go away

Dear Future Me,

I think it is grossly and uncomfortably apparent that I am a social butterfly. I hang out with people on average six nights out of seven, because people are just so nifty. People, frankly, are amazing. People are my favourite thing. I WUV YOU.

Now piss off.

Not to be rude, but if I really adore you, you need to go away sometimes. Not hearing from someone, not seeing someone and not talking to someone just makes me want to hear/see/talk to them more than ever, but people who inundate me with themselves give me the hives. I need personal space the way most people need oxygen, not that you’d know it to look at me. And it’s not like I have annoying friends. Not at all: I am, instead, my own worst enemy.

This is how it goes down: I meet some cool new cat and I’m all like “This person is awesome! LETS HANG OUT FOREVER.” Now, for the most part the people I am friends with have lives, so we never get to the point of killing each other. But if someone gave into me, old friend or new, and let me spend entirely too much time with them…

Well, suffice it to say that tears would be spilled. Maybe blood.

I don’t realize how much I need to be alone until I’ve been around people too much, and then I just kind of curl into a ball of angry cobra venom and wait for the rage to pass. And I like you people. Heck, I am probably the one who suggested we hang out! And I’m going to be sad when we don’t! BECAUSE YOU ARE AWESOME.

Now go away.

I think this is actually a consequence of having really great friends: the temptation to hang around them until you’ve memorized every tiny annoying habit (why can’t you close a motherfucking cupboard door? are you trying to break my heart?!) sometimes overrides good sense. I want to see you all so badly all the time that sometimes I forget that I’m so freakin’ done with humanity at the moment that I would probably stab Bill Cosby in the testicles, and the man is a saint, so don’t be offended.

This is kind of a stupid post. It probably sounds like I am telling all y’all beautiful people to leave me alone, but that is not it at all: DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE. You’re damn wonderful. You’re spectacular. So spectacular, in fact, that I want to spend so much time immersed in the gooey tentacles of human contact that eventually I’m just going to drown in our friendship mucus.

Just so you’re aware, I rarely have any idea where I am going with a post (or a sentence) until it is finished, which is why you end up with phrases like “friendship mucus”. In conclusion, I am sorry for existing.

Facebook doesn’t help things. God help you if you piss me off on facebook. That’s all I’m saying, for now. Nothing ruins friendships like Farmville.

That’s pretty much it for now, folks. Sorry this is kind of rushed and half-assed like every other post I’ve written, but hey, you get what you pay for.

God bless you cheap bastards,

Past Leslee.