Dear Future Me,
I have decided to write a television review for you, so that when you’re looking back on to a time before holodecks you can remember the absolute garbage so many people wasted their lives mindlessly consuming. However, since I don’t actually like T.V. or modern television shows, I’m just going to make this review up as I go. It will be based primarily on internet jokes, things I’ve overheard people saying on the bus and tidbits of info I’ve picked up from tabloid covers.
So, Jersey Shore. It’s a live-action remake of The Smurfs only instead of being blue, these ‘people’ are more of an orange-brown. It’s kind of gritty and dark compared to the joyful LSD romp that was the original production, but that probably has something to do with appealing to a more mature, savvy audience. I really appreciate that the creators of The Smurfs took the time to re-imagine the series in such a fresh, dynamic way, while still keeping it recognizable. Kudos, my friends.
At any given time there are between 6 and 10 characters on the show, depending on the episode. In the later seasons the producers resorted to killing off some of the less popular characters to boost ratings. There are two smurfets, slutty smurf and fat slutty smurf, whose names are “Snooki” and “The Ugly One”. They exist on a diet of pure vodka, which I certainly have never done myself and cannot attest to the relative health benefits of, but which is magical all the same.
There are lots and lots of boy smurfs, or “guidos” as they are called in this incarnation. Like the original, it is hard to tell them apart. One of them is called “the Situation” and makes a living showing off his creepily segmented stomach. There are a few more named “Pauli” or “Joey” or “Nicky” or something that sounds good with a Brooklyn accent. The other smurfs survive by selling their bodies to science, testing STD medication. What? I told you this version was gritty.
The plot for this show revolves around the guidos and guidettes search for the last unicorn. They have attempted to find this unicorn using the secret “fist bump” call which has been known throughout the ages to attract unicorns, particularly when done in a dimly-lit, noisy room full of ugly sweating people. Sadly, their quest has been primarily unsuccessful, and this has driven many of them to seek solace in empty sexual experiences and having really elaborate hair.
How does the adventure end? Well, I wouldn’t want to ruin it for you. You’ll just have to find out for yourself!
…just kidding! In the end, they learnt that the last unicorn is actually the power of love…and that he was inside of them the whole time! They just had to believe in themselves!
Sorry for the spoilers everybody. But anyway, that’s Jersey Shore. I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed pretending I have watched it. Also, slight tangent: when I was looking for Hallowe’en costumes there was actually a “Snooki” wig. It was immense. Hope the chick is getting royalties for that…to help fund her magical journey of rainbows.
To the future of terrible entertainment,