Dear Future Leslee:
*Hack hack cough ghhrhhsss ptew ptew giraffe ghhshhrhhrhhnh cough cough hack*
So anyway, I’m sick, and while I’m aware that being sick is possibly the least original or interesting thing someone can write about, I am going to write about it anyway. Because like all sick people, I’m somehow convinced that no one has ever been as sick as I am, or as miserable as I am, and that my sickness must be just an endlessly and morbidly fascinating to everyone else as it is to me.
If I was a good human being, that last sentence would have provided the epiphany needed to end this roller-coaster ride to hell before it even got started, but luckily for all of you I am not one of those human beings.
You know when you’re reading the list of symptoms of a cold or flu and your mind is boggled that any one person could possibly experience all of those at one time? Well, I am that impossible person. I am just THAT SICK. And not in the good, mid-nineties rapper type-way, as in “sssiiiiiiicccckkkkk dude” but in the disgusting mucusy phlegm-beast from hell kind of way.
Germs, you can step in front of a train. Twice. (This isn’t original. I stole this from Trevs. Pretty sure he’s the reason I’m too sick to move right now, though, so I think it’s fair. Circle of life, motherfucker. )
It wouldn’t be so bad, but I’ve completely lost my appetite. I’m pretty sure I could watch someone get murdered and calmly eat a granola bar, so loss of appetite is kind of a big deal. Also, I LOVE food. Love it. In a totally platonic not-creepy way, I promise you. But yeah, if I’m stuck at home, too sleepy and achy to concentrate on The Little Mermaid you’d think the least this world could do would be to let me stuff my face.
Future Me, I assume they have obliterated all basic illness by the time you’re reading this. You probably get inoculated against cancer in grade school. Sadly, illness is still alive and well in my time. Everybody and their dog is sick, and it’s making us all about as interesting and witty and a wet sack full of quarters.
Query: does it make me an alcoholic if I get really drunk today, just to see how it affects my cold? I am, after all, doing it for science, and nothing in the name of science can ever be wrong, right? Most likely several shots of Malibu would only exacerbate my situation, but lord help me I kind of want to try, anyway. FOR SCIENCE, remember. Science!