Buses

Dear Future Me,

For the love of God, tell me that you have gotten a licence by now. I mean, I’m a pretty decent driver right now, but I am also a HUGE WIMP and a chicken and driving kind of scares me stupid (because OMG people are bat-shit crazy on the road) so I’ve been putting it off with lame excuses for what feels like (and is) years.

Seriously though, we need a car. Because public transportation is for the birds. Smelly, offensive, lumbering birds who don’t seem to grasp the basics of public transportation etiquette. I know you probably haven’t thought about this for years, but I feel the need to remind you of everything we went through in our youth, slumming with the masses.

First of all, let’s talk about cellphones. I am not against people using their cellphones on the bus in a reasonable way, but let’s look at some of the specific things that are NOT OKAY to do on a cellphone on a bus:

-have a messy, crying, screaming breakup with someone
-have a loud, obnoxious conversation of any type
-have a loud, obnoxious conversation about something totally idiotic for the entire bus ride. 

I don’t think I need to explain why those things are unacceptable, but it comes down to this: People of the world, your life and problems are boring and stupid and I don’t want to hear about them, especially in a confined space with dozens of witnesses.

Next up, let’s talk about mp3 players which I’m sure by now have been replaced by mandatory elevator-muzak brain implants. I don’t understand how people can listen to their music so loudly that I can hear it over my own music at the other end of the bus. Seriously guys, WTF? How bad is your hearing that awful music pumping into your head at obnoxious volumes doesn’t turn you into an anguished, screaming lemur?

Also, and this may sound trite: mouth breathers. There is something about hearing a person breathe that convinces me they have forfeited their right to exist.

Or how about people who sit on the outside seat of a two-seat set and refuse to move over even when the bus is uber-crowded?

Or people who fidget. Three year olds can sit still on the bus, so can you.

People who don’t understand personal space.

People who try to talk to me.

Smelly people.

Maybe I would be less enraged on buses if I hadn’t experienced a few extreme bus-related incidents, like that time those drunken assholes got on the bus, closed all the windows and then started smoking. For reals. Maybe you’re thinking I’ve been over-using italics in this post, Future Me, but even you have to acknowledge that smoking on a goddamn bus is bad enough without first closing all the windows because the crisp September air is making your bros cold.

By the way, if you ever meet anyone who uses “bro” un-ironically, you have my permission to erase them from history because there really is no excuse for that. I am highly doubtful that anyone who every contributed anything to society has used the word “bro” in its current context.

Anyway, enjoy your Lamborghini or hover-car or whatever,

Past Leslee.

P.S. If you have a chauffeur, that’s okay too.

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About leslei

Listen, I like to use the eff word. If that is going to be a problem you should probably just turn this car around RIGHT NOW.
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2 Responses to Buses

  1. Sophie says:

    I think your post neglected the possibility of a hover-Lanborghini. Just puttin’ it out there. Anyway, I am now totally going to use this as an excuse to complain about my own worst-ever busmate stories. Lesley, you are an inspiration. An inspiration to rant.

    Incident #1: I was on a bus that was virtually empty, with my bag on the seat beside me and doing some homework on my lap (Russian <3). This lady comes on. She stands beside my seat long enough to make me uncomfortable and move my bag onto my lap to let her sit down beside me. I attempt to continue with my homework. It does not work. I politely ask if she would mind moving to another seat, of which there were like thirty. Then, she goes on about how rude I am and how she will sit wherever she wants and how I'm "not the queen of the world, you know." I am stunned into complacent silence. O_O

    Incident #2: I am on my way home in the evening. A man starts hitting on me. I don't find this offensive in itself, since if nobody ever hit on anybody then there would be no more babies, so there's that. But I am not interested so I give curt, shutting-down-the-conversation-type replies. He persists. I turn on my iPod and commence ignoring him. He still persists. I move to the back of the bus. He follows me. Having learned from past bus rides that complacent silence doesn't work, this time I look him straight in the eye and say "GO AWAY and LEAVE ME ALONE." Apparently there are some people for whom that kind of subtlety just goes way over their head. I repeatedly strongly recommend that he exit the bus at the next stop, which he does eventually.

    And then the guy who'd been watching all this feels moved to comment on how "hilarious" it all was. Sigh.

    /rant(s)

  2. wordphix says:

    Wow, you guys have the worst luck on buses. I seem to have lucked out in that department, but I usually don’t take the bus when it’s empty.

    BTW, Les, I totally agree that mouth-breathers are nasty and should hide in the back of the bus. Or something.

    One way to make people who are sitting to close to you move away: Cough. Literally, people are PETRIFIED of germs, it’s actually hilarious. Try it, works wonders even on the packed rush hour buses. Sometimes, I love my allergies and asthma 🙂

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