Dear Future Me,
For the love of God, tell me that you have gotten a licence by now. I mean, I’m a pretty decent driver right now, but I am also a HUGE WIMP and a chicken and driving kind of scares me stupid (because OMG people are bat-shit crazy on the road) so I’ve been putting it off with lame excuses for what feels like (and is) years.
Seriously though, we need a car. Because public transportation is for the birds. Smelly, offensive, lumbering birds who don’t seem to grasp the basics of public transportation etiquette. I know you probably haven’t thought about this for years, but I feel the need to remind you of everything we went through in our youth, slumming with the masses.
First of all, let’s talk about cellphones. I am not against people using their cellphones on the bus in a reasonable way, but let’s look at some of the specific things that are NOT OKAY to do on a cellphone on a bus:
-have a messy, crying, screaming breakup with someone
-have a loud, obnoxious conversation of any type
-have a loud, obnoxious conversation about something totally idiotic for the entire bus ride.
I don’t think I need to explain why those things are unacceptable, but it comes down to this: People of the world, your life and problems are boring and stupid and I don’t want to hear about them, especially in a confined space with dozens of witnesses.
Next up, let’s talk about mp3 players which I’m sure by now have been replaced by mandatory elevator-muzak brain implants. I don’t understand how people can listen to their music so loudly that I can hear it over my own music at the other end of the bus. Seriously guys, WTF? How bad is your hearing that awful music pumping into your head at obnoxious volumes doesn’t turn you into an anguished, screaming lemur?
Also, and this may sound trite: mouth breathers. There is something about hearing a person breathe that convinces me they have forfeited their right to exist.
Or how about people who sit on the outside seat of a two-seat set and refuse to move over even when the bus is uber-crowded?
Or people who fidget. Three year olds can sit still on the bus, so can you.
People who don’t understand personal space.
People who try to talk to me.
Maybe I would be less enraged on buses if I hadn’t experienced a few extreme bus-related incidents, like that time those drunken assholes got on the bus, closed all the windows and then started smoking. For reals. Maybe you’re thinking I’ve been over-using italics in this post, Future Me, but even you have to acknowledge that smoking on a goddamn bus is bad enough without first closing all the windows because the crisp September air is making your bros cold.
By the way, if you ever meet anyone who uses “bro” un-ironically, you have my permission to erase them from history because there really is no excuse for that. I am highly doubtful that anyone who every contributed anything to society has used the word “bro” in its current context.
Anyway, enjoy your Lamborghini or hover-car or whatever,
P.S. If you have a chauffeur, that’s okay too.