Dear Future Me,

I’m sure you pay a lot of taxes, seeing as you are so rich and famous. Did you make your fortune in oil? Maybe nuclear armaments? Baby seals? Well, however you did it, good for you. I’m sure you had to step on a lot of little people along the way, and now you’re at the top…of a pile of people. Kind of squishy, isn’t it? Do you have a manservant that you use as a footstool yet? Get on that.

Anyway, I’m thrilled that you’re stinking rich and I’m sorry you have to give so much of it to the man.

Still, I want to take a minute to remind you of your past. I have gotten no less than seven cheques from the Gov’ this year and they have pretty much kept me alive (full credit given to Momasaurus too, of course). They just keep sending me money I didn’t have and I just keep spending it on groceries and rent and hydro and totally not hookers and it rocks, you know?

Now, part of the reason that I am getting all this free federal cash is that I didn’t file taxes for three years. Possibly not the best strategy, but at the time taxes were just below ‘learn calculus’ on my list of priorities. AND I FAILED CALCULUS. So, there’s that. And really, I didn’t make enough in a year to pay the government anyway, which I’m sure isn’t a problem anymore as you currently earn the annual Gross Domestic Product of a rich coffee-and-cocaine South American country.

So yes, taxes suck, but free health care has saved your ass more than once. Also, roads. Although if the world has turned into some post-Rand libertarian nightmare, I’m sorry. Remember reading Atlas Shrugged? You kind of liked that book at first, although after a brief and rageful discussion with the Gorg (I wonder what he is up to these days?) you realized that you weren’t allowed to like that book because everyone who likes Ms. Rand inevitably becomes an insufferable fail-squirrel of idiocy. And he was right, wasn’t he? So anyway. Also, chick was cool with rape. For real. And who spells Ann with a ‘y’? Douchebags, that’s who.

Although you probably don’t realize it anymore, taxes help struggling young dictators get their foot in the door by providing the infrastructure necessary for complete and total domination. All I’m saying is, it would be a pain to rule the world if it didn’t already have so many nice systems set up. Like public sanitation. It’s all I’m sayin’.

May you feed an appropriate amount of wealth into the socialist system,

Past Leslee.


About leslei

Listen, I like to use the eff word. If that is going to be a problem you should probably just turn this car around RIGHT NOW.
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One Response to Taxes

  1. ATG says:

    Considering the various medical issues I’ve had to deal with, my entire childhood is a testament to the power of universal public healthcare.

    Also, I’m glad someone remembered our discussion re: Ayn Rand. I definietly forgot all about it until seeing the rehash here. She’s burning in the special level of hell reserved for assholes who make normal people bigger assholes.

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