Dear Future Me,
I think we need to talk about boys, sooner rather than later. I’m wondering how you’re feeling about them these days – have you become some sort of man-hating harpy? Considering the sorts of things I assume you’ve gotten up to, I wouldn’t blame you. Remember that gentleman is Morocco? Well, I don’t, because it hasn’t happened yet, but you – you must remember how he broke our heart and left us crying in that dirty airport.
Or, there was that handsome doctor. (I work in a hospital, so I assume at some point you are going to have a sexy affair with a doctor). He was a cardiologist, or maybe a neurologist. He was probably very brooding, and tortured by his own limitations when it came to saving a life. You should have known the man was married to his job! He loved the work more than he could ever love you. Me. Us. Whatever.
So, I guess if you are living alone on a farm somewhere with six dogs and a lot of zucchini, okay, I understand. Lord knows we’ve made some mistakes. Some delicious, wantonly adult mistakes. At least, by now I HOPE you have. The biggest mistake I ever made was flirting with that cute maintenance guy, and he had a pony-tail, so let’s just say you’ve been making up for lost time.
But if you are feeling that way, I just want to remind you that boys are pretty great. I mean, they don’t have feelings, which is useful, as neither you nor I has any patience for weakness or human emotion. (I hope this hasn’t changed. If you’ve developed empathy, so help me God, I will stab a puppy). Also, they are fun to hang around with, and they appreciate the charm headlights (that’s Past-Leslee slang for titties) and they can generally take a joke and shoot the shit and it never gets heavy or anything. Boys are pretty great.
Future Me, if you haven’t seen a penis in like five years, please take this opportunity to get back in the game. I’m sure you’re still pretty hot stuff, even if you’re actually like eighty and reading this through some government-mandated internet brain implant. If that is the case, also please take a moment to remember democracy. Then, get back to humping.
P.S. If it turns out you’re a lesbian, that’s good too. Lesbians are probably still the coolest thing on the planet, so good job, Future Me.