Dear Future Me,
I hope with the passing years that you haven’t gotten even more narcissistic, although I wouldn’t put it past us. We are pretty damn fine. DAMN FINE. That being said, there are a few handy hints and useful tricks to keep in mind. Let’s make sure that we never end up looking like a hippy William Shatner EVER AGAIN.
On the subject of your hair: currently, when you do nothing with it, your hair tends to turn into this poufy blonde chinchilla of disaster, rather like Scully in the early seasons of the X-Files. I know she is on your short-list of long-time redhead crushes, but that hair only works for her because it’s the early nineties and she’s professionally gorgeous in a way you can never be, and even then, it doesn’t really. Please, use the damn straightening iron (even though yes, your hair is straight) or the hair-dryer. Or shave your head, if you haven’t already.
As far as clothes go, you hate yellow. Hate it. And I’m sure your desperate, unhealthy need for polka-dots hasn’t changed. Even if you’re looking back now and regretting the things I’m wearing, you should know I love them very, very much. They just feel right, right now. Avoid pant-belts, and if shirt belts are still in style continue to wear those. Bell-bottoms were never a good idea, don’t kid yourself. Finally, if Ugg boots still haven’t died and gone to Awful Trend hell, just shoot yourself.
If someone has invented a strapless bra that doesn’t make you hate yourself after fifteen minutes, please know that I am wildly envious. Also, heels. I love heels. You love heels. Our feets hate them. Has someone invented a comfortable four-inch stiletto? For the love of God, tell me it is so.
If you’re a mom and have fallen into Mom Style, get out of it now. Unless Mom Style has evolved radically, you deserve better than that. Seriously. Those jeans are awful. Just…awful. I shouldn’t have to tell you that we look terrible in anything high-waisted, but here we are. I’m so disappointed in you.
Anyway, those seem to be the most pertinent points. Oh, and no matter what anyone tells you, you look like an angry lesbian librarian (and not the good kind) when you wear glasses. FYI.
With utmost hope for the future our of appearance,